About Your Barn...

Anyone who agrees to share their barn story with me will find a similar line of questions. This is a jumping-off point. The questions are designed to unearth the unique path each story takes. I can't wait for this blog to be a collection of local agricultural history!

Eleven Questions:

1) Where is your barn located?

2) When was your barn built?

3) Who built  your barn?

4) What was the original purpose of your barn?

5) Have there been any renovations to the structure?

6) Why is this barn special or meaningful to you?

7) What other purposes has your barn served?

8) What is the current purpose of your barn?

9) What is your favorite memory in this barn?

10) What would you like to see happen with your barn in the future?

11) If you created a time capsule, using elements from your barn, what would be in it?

If this looks easy enough to complete, here's a link to a Google Form with these questions. You can complete it online and get a jump on the process!

Outing the Barn Diva

Friends have encouraged me to share more in-depth and cohesively about my special needs child.
That's a hard one. As a parent, and as my children have grown, I've given thought to their personal privacy: what would they want me to say about them?

In my mind at least, revealing information about a special needs child is something like outing a person's sexual preference before they were ready. As a child grows, it is possible they will find ways to compensate and maybe that information might never need to be shared. How much do you want the world to know about you?

My kids aren't circus performers. I don't expect their lives to be lived for anyone's pleasure. Sharing their joys and successes has been automatic. Thinking you can use social media to bring happiness to more people seems a bit of a no-brainer!

There are aspects of one of my children in particular that sharing might be useful to the world. The one whose birth began the process of my undoing, completely made over my view on the world... and ultimately fuels a passion that hasn't been fully realized. How to do that without "outing" her?

Because anyone who knows us knows exactly which child I'm talking about. At 18, she is a bit more comfortable with who she is. Not entirely though. It's not something she likes to talk about. She doesn't want to be identified by her label.

Who does? I've experienced depression and anxiety since I was 17. I'd prefer you call me Heather.

So today, I'll "out" me.

I'm the parent of two people, and one is a person on the Autism spectrum. It's been the most profoundly painful, joyous, soul-shredding journeys I could have ever imagined for myself. It has completely rewritten the course I thought my life would take. And, quite frankly, that has really pissed me off sometimes. I've mourned my own dreams. I've feared my future. I LOVE my daughter, and I deeply fear what happens to her when I die.

Because what if no one loves her and cares for her like I do? She's my world, and my heart. She pushes me past the bounds of what I think I can do, and who I thought I would be, and she has no idea that is what she's doing. She just knows I am bigger, better, and capable of more than I think I am.

I hide sometimes, because there are a lot of people who really don't care about this story, me, or how any of it turns out. I was trying to be small. I don't want to bother anyone, or get in anyone's way. I share the good stuff, and hide the hard stuff as much as I can. I was raised not to seek pity, or charity.

So, I sucked it up in the early years when people said there was nothing wrong with her. I allowed the words of people who said it was my fault, that I was a bad mom, to seep into my subconscious. That self-doubt kept me from pursuing interventions for her. I simultaneously felt the knife wielded by thoughts of failing as a parent in my heart, and the scorching eyes of judgement from those who thought I was still overreacting.  But I finally had elementary school teachers behind us and began to pursue therapies and educational interventions that they suggested, and ultimately proved fruitful. When a child who was projected to never be able to read and probably not be very verbal is one day giving speeches at the county dairy princess pageant?

That's the point when you start caring a whole lot less about the naysayers. 

I did mention depression and anxiety. They still exist. This is another topic I feel a need to advocate for. What originally started to push me through the lowest of lows was a combination of returning to the family farm to milk cows, and yoga. I had an incredible yoga teacher/mentor I still love and respect dearly tell me that cows have a grounded energy that was therapeutic for my creative, ungrounded, natural state of being. Those words resonated deeply.

I pursued becoming a yoga teacher, not because I thought I was really going to be a yoga teacher (that is a retirement goal - see that whole 'I had my whole life planned' piece); but because other people seemed quite passionate that was a right-path for me. Even my late father-in-law... one of the last things I remember him saying to me was "I thought you were going to be a yoga teacher."

Through YogaFit, I did attain my yoga teacher certification. It was an incredible process! I came alive through the training; gaining insights and strength... and awakening this inner light that I still feel glowing in the center of my chest. I felt a strong connection to our divine universe, and landed a job that took me away from the literal practice and teaching of yoga, and put me in a place to figure out how to use those teachings in the everyday world around me.

During one of those last trainings, I was in a master class, taught by Beth Shaw. I had what teachers call an "emotional release." In reality, it was an awakening.

We were moving into meditation, and I was reminded of an event a friend and I had put together to celebrate our school's Special Olympics bowlers at the end of their season. I had gotten some pretty tacky little gifts together from area dollar stores, and invented awards for as many of the kids as I could. Lucky socks for high-scoring bowlers, and foil-wrapped, chocolate eggs became "Awards of Eggselence" for all!

The laughs that moment got... I hope those are among the last things I hear before I close my eyes on this plane of existence. I hope they live in my memory with as much vibrance as they do now.

The moment relived itself for me in that meditation, and, laying on the floor on my yoga mat in a hotel conference area, surrounded by yogis and in the glow of positive energy after a shade more than an hour of practice: I cried. I cried and cried the relentless cry of a person whose deep purpose was growing through their heart and out of their chest.

I need to bring light to a shadowy place. I need to bring joy to people who struggle.

NEED to.
MUST do.

Autumn was given to me to show me the way.
The girl is my beacon.
Do I know what I am doing?
NO!

And I was shown a way to move forward.

We have this old barn, and I have a girl who LOVES cows. And I know personally that cows are therapy, that yoga is therapy, and we have a world where people are getting farther and farther away from the farm. In my mind, the farm is the very thing that grounds a person in what is right in the world. Another point of advocacy for me is not losing agriculture. Cows are grounding, and they teach us to be calm, steady nurturers. Yoga is a moving meditation that can also bring joy, peace, and also enlightenment.

What if we can bring those things together in our old barn? What if we can bring people, and especially our special needs community, to this barn and provide moments of joy and peace? What if we can reconnect people to farming?

And how do we do that when we know that we also have to prepare for the future of a child who might never be fully self-sufficient? There are no extra resources we can sell, and taking out a loan that keeps us from setting back funds for her — or worse — is still lingering after we're gone, is not an intelligent choice.

I set up a gofundme page because I believe in the power of intention. Yoga taught me to open ALL channels of possibility. In so doing, I began my chant to the universe that I am ready to accept the path the light in my chest is pulling me towards. Faith is overpowering fear. I will explore all options - AM exploring the options - and with enough time, patience, and breath, I will succeed in realizing my purpose.

Compromising my time as a parent or to my family any more than I do with my job is not an option I choose. I've had well-meaning people suggest all sorts of possible side gigs, and I recall a quote I find particularly true: "Women are expected to work as though they don't have children, and raise children as though they don't have jobs."

It is a blessing to me that my work environment is incredibly pro-family. This mission will need to be pro-family too. It might be something that ultimately employs one or more of us. A big dream is that it could employ members of our special needs community too! My commitment to still be present for my family means this project may move slowly. Time, patience, and breath are all that is needed.

Barnyard Perspective

Have you ever seen this barn?

Photo courtesy SLP Photography

You have! It's our barn! If you've driven by, then you know this side. But all I've shown on the internet is this side:

Does it look like the same place to you? Our barn has two different looks: one side covered in tin, the other likely the original barn board siding.

My cousin (and treasured friend), Stacey, is a photographer. She has blessed this project with her energy and talents. Together, we intend to chronicle the historic agricultural structures around us. What started as a passion project in hopes of energizing the effort to restore this barn is turning into a really joyous adventure with someone I look forward to spending more time with.

Though Stacey's first talent isn't videography, she's helped me and my daughter do some video work for the barn. We're hoping to share some digital tours of the place. I am so impressed and excited to share the recording! I'm learning it may take a YouTube channel to get it done. Stay tuned.

Let's go back to the barn.
When I saw the new image, I was struck by the difference in perspective. I walk nearly every weekend on the road. I see the West side of the barn fairly regularly. Did I ever think to take a picture of it from this angle? Nope. I took a picture the way I see the barn from the side I see it the majority of the time.

How incredible is the new image? Look at the lighting, look at how different it looks! Another eye appreciated it from a completely different angle. Now we have another facet to the story. When we tell the stories of other barns, we will have another set of eyes helping to tell these stories. Our capacity to do this project justice has gained serious depth.

Where this project is concerned, more is more! More energy, more perspectives, and more positive are appreciated.

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This year we intend to make the first repairs to our century-old barn. If you would like to help with this, our fledgeling gofundme page is here for you to share or contribute to if you are so inclined.

All Barns House Hard Choices

Sifting through recordings of interviews is time consuming. Today, it's been done while making dinner. No notes are scribed. It's a run-through to get a sense for the direction each post will take.

Already in this project, several themes have presented themselves.
The evolution of haying is an interesting topic.
So is the evolution of milking cows.
How do old barns become dinosaurs, standing unused?
If they continue to be used, how, and why?

The evolution of farming happens as humans respond to their environment.
That's simply all it is.

Here is an entire blog based on looking at how a certain group of humans have responded to their environment, and how that has changed the face of an industry that has the power to feed the world.

Perhaps the most significant choice any one human makes is their occupation.

By and large, children of farmers are more likely than children not born to a farm family, to become farmers. On-the-job training begins early! All children watch their and model their parents, and when you spend your early years with your parents in a barn... well.

You do what you see. It doesn't matter if you are born to a small farm, or a large one. Nearly all farms are family farms. The family at the helm is actively involved in every aspect. Whether young ones are hanging out with a grandparent, parent, or older sibling, they are sure to absorb some aspect of the farm.

Long ago, it was an automatic assumption that one of the children would take over the farm. Women were often expected to marry and move on. For the sons of a farm family, taking over the family farm was an option.

How do you make that decision?
If it's in your blood (and farming really does get in your blood - even if it isn't your occupation - you do hang on to pieces of it), it's an obvious choice. It may even be the only choice. We all know someone for whom, from birth, their path seemed obvious. Passion for farming is a necessity, and that has become increasingly true. As net profits have progressively sunk, and hours spent working remained steady and/or increased. If you don't love it, you won't last. Even for those that do love it, the economic strain can do serious damage to mental health and interpersonal relationships.

Sometimes the choice is made by environmental factors. Say one dairy farm family had two sons. Each son was given cows. One son's cows gave birth predominantly to females (which make milk, which is what this farm produced); the other son's cows gave birth predominantly to male calves. Males won't produce milk, and so are almost always sold. That son's herd didn't grow. He took it as a sign to choose another occupation. For the record, he was a gifted carpenter, and all was well.

As we progress through history, economics begin to factor in more heavily. This is a time and labor-intensive occupation, and the fact remains, even as dairy farms begin to invest in robotic milking facilities. The knowledge required to operate a farm is all-encompassing: animal health and nutrition, animal husbandry, food safety, horticulture, mechanics, accounting, and even human resources, to broadly name a few of the things one must function well with in order to successfully navigate the business. You can put in a 40-hour day managing the herd, and if you are in the growing or harvesting season, you may have a full night in the fields yet ahead of you. The fact that tractors have headlights could be seen as a blessing, or a curse.

If it is all of this for the farmer, consider for a minute what it is for the farm laborer. It isn't a new problem. As the farmer's budget grows thin, the ability to pay a fair wage for work incomparable to any other industry also declines. Good help becomes increasingly hard to find.

"I thought about it; but I could kind of see where things were going, and it didn't seem like a good choice."

Economic shifts, farms adapting or selling out, and the barns stand as bookmarks in the landscape of our times.

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This year we intend to make the first repairs to our century-old barn. If you would like to help with this, our fledgeling gofundme page is here for you to share or contribute to if you are so inclined.