Surrender

What a word - "Surrender." If you look at the context people use it under most of the time, it is often linked with defeat. The only time I can think of "surrender" being used somehow favorable falls in the category of romance novels. 

  "Violet's tumult of thoughts and hesitations slowly surrendered to the line of passionate kisses the captain was blazing down the length of her graceful throat." 

 As a woman of an ever more certain age, I'm not sure that's even a positive use of the term. 

 The dictionary also looks on the word in a downhearted light. Giving in to the enemy? How often are we at war?

...how often ARE we at war? With ourselves, with the people and world around us... with the universe. Hm.

At the bottom of the definition, there is another term: "yielding." Let's deep-dive into that, shall we?

Surrender as a positive idea came to me in a yoga class when a teacher encouraged students to "surrender to the pose." By this she encouraged first noticing your whole body, paying attention to areas where you feel discomfort or tension. Instead of letting the discomfort create more discomfort and tension in your brain or other areas of the body, you soften. Sounds weird, right? In that moment of tension, you practice keeping your breath calm, cool, and easy; and aim to bring ease to the tense places, not by backing out the pose; but instead by trying to relax the muscles and be comfortable just being where you are. With all of it. 

THIS, my friends, is surrender. 

Inside the old barn. 

Surrender doesn't mean giving up. It means allowing what IS to be. Hurt and hope, uncertainty and determination, fear and faith... all woven together in an extraordinary fabric that ultimately becomes something we can't begin to imagine. Surrender doesn't ask you to allow your purpose to be defeated, but instead to find peace in the process of finding out what your true purpose is. 

On the surface, just a couple of weeks ago, surrender for me was allowing the idea that we may have to rip our old barn down and use salvageable remnants to create something new. That hurt, and even still there was hope in it. What hurt worse was thinking nothing would happen with it in Uncle Hank's lifetime; and we surrendered to that too.

That's when the shift started. 

Today, I'm writing to tell you that there is work happening as we speak on the barn. Before the end of this month, arguably the weakest spot in the structure will be strengthened. This is happening because a kind man made time to survey the space inside and out, top to bottom; educate me a bit on the Amish perspective, and then took on the work. 

That guy will get a blog post all to his own. Maybe several, as early on in this process, he'd approached me about creating a how-to guide for other people with limited funds and giant structures who want to reclaim them. There's room for everything in cyberspace, isn't there? 

For now, the back wall is the place to start. Right in the middle of the barn. Aside from a patch over the biggest hole in the roof and new cement to fill the hole the woodchucks made in the foundation, the difference won't be noticeable from the outside. 

It's what's on the inside that counts though, right? 

Gratitude, Hope, and Drizzle

Levi shakes his head as he kicks at the cement at the base of the barn.

Levi shakes his head as he inspects the center posts, completely disconnected at the base.

Levi never looks up once. 

We all looked up. Only Levi looked down.

"Raise the whole barn up. Scrape the old cement away. Pour new. Lower the barn and then start repairing." That will cost a lot of money, and take a lot of time. 

Photo by Brianna Santellan on Unsplash

"There are good pieces. You could tear the barn down, and use what's good to build something new... something smaller."

With my gratitude, we parted. I walked through the fall drizzle, back to the house. 

At least he showed up. How many others have I called, described this crazy project, and been told "I'll get back to you in a couple of weeks," and never hear from them again?

The thought of tearing this behemoth down hurts. I feel the weight of this as though my shoulders and heart turned to lead. I have ideas as big as that barn and even if no one else can, I can imagine it strong and welcoming those ready to find respite within its great walls. 

The idea of using pieces of the barn to create other things had occurred to me. We've used some of the old tin to create cupboard doors in our house. I've seen several Pinterest crafts and wanted to use items from the barn to create them - it's a matter of time really. I'm awfully short on time. 

Two teens, a full-time job - two full-time jobs really. No one counts cooking and cleaning for a family as a job; but those of us that do it know that it is. A couple of my past occupations have sprung back to life in fun ways - I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends, and somehow enjoying the burn. 

The barn is hard to fit in, and yet every time I go outside, there it looms. Not only is this relic in need of my attention, there is a dear man who knows as I do that this relic deserves my attention. 

Levi's words, penned in a lovely "hand crafted" card purchased at a department store. A little glitter, an oversized butterfly, and a realistic perspective written with love and greatest hope of not breaking a dear man's heart.

A week later, we sit in his living room. It's not so easy to get out of his chair these days. Two hand-crafted canes of his own making work better than one now. The easy smile and clarity in his eyes remains unchanged. Every time I'm with him, my grandmother — his sister — feels closer. 

The idea of building something new is intriguing! We could mark the pieces - somehow note their original purpose. While the ideal is saving the present structure, there is hope and innovation in the idea of something new. And the pieces are incredible, really. Where could anyone find 12" square posts made of solid oak these days?

"Why you could put it anywhere you wanted! You could make it look however you wanted. Maybe it could look like the old barn. Maybe it could have a gabled roof. I wonder what you could do with all of that old cement?" 

We agree bringing ourselves to tear down the old barn - that's the hardest part. 

"But you have time," he says. "You have time. That's in your favor."

His gaze unwavering. We can't really do anything in winter anyway. Best to start in the spring. 

I think he's turning 92 this month. He doesn't want to talk about it. 

"We're skipping this one," he says. The easy smile may fade from his lips at times, and yet somehow exudes from his every fiber. He is peaceful. The joy in his heart is unmistakable. 

I hugged him goodbye before he had time to try to get up from his chair. 

In the quiet bubble of my car, I can fold. Head on the steering wheel, tears slide in a steady stream. 

Hope surrounds the fall drizzle within. 

"That Old Barn Isn't Worth Saving, Anyway."

Photo by SLP Photography

Yep. That's what she said.
Not me, my daughter. Standing with her back to our front door, arms folded, looking at me and her dad.

"That old barn isn't worth saving, anyway."

The Mr. and I exchanged glances. We instantly knew that didn't come FROM her.
That came THROUGH her.

As usual, when someone says something that is so unbelievably inconsiderate, and wrong, I stand staring with my mouth hanging open. No response. I don't listen with intent to argue. I listen to hear and understand what is being said. Sadly (or perhaps gladly in the end), that leaves me ill-prepared to supply a witty, or insightful comeback.

Thankfully, her dad is a little quicker on the draw than I am.

"You know honey, I'm sure there are people that think that," he began with the sweet tone he reserves solely for his best girl; "but there are a handful of people that don't."

And in this case, that is all that matters.

In a larger sense, in a world view sense though, it points to a greater societal illness.

WASTE.

Disposable society? You are not kidding!

Why preserve something old when you can build something new? Why recycle plastic straws, they're little, what does it matter? Why try to fix a broken item when you can go buy another (it's often faster and sometimes that replacement costs less than the repair)?

And lately, when faced with a pandemic...

It sure seems like some people must see this as a way to thin out our elder and more needy population. When you continue to live as you normally do, despite local, state, and federal officials daily edicts to STAY HOME - what else is anyone to think?

The only conclusion is that, just like some people feel about my old barn, old people, disabled people (because if it comes down to a hospital triage situation, my daughter's life could be deemed less essential than that of an EMS worker or law enforcement officer. Sit with that for a moment - would you want to have to make that choice?), people with chronic conditions such as asthma (that's a lot of people!) are DISPOSABLE.

This moment in time is unprecedented. Never before has society moved at such a swift and careless pace. Never before has it taken a pandemic to slow us down... and never before has our country shown such blatant disregard for the guidance of our public officials. Republican, Democrat alike being equally ignored. Obviously, not by all, but as we know, it only takes a few.

Though my husband is essential, and reporting to work as usual, we are doing our best to respect the guidance supplied by our officials. We trust that the information conveyed by experts in the public health and medical fields is far superior to whatever meme we may have stumbled across on social media, or a text from that one friend that seems to be an expert at EVERYTHING.

And for the record, we're still going to work to restore our barn. Post by post, of both wood and digital, as it seems that is the best we can do right now. Regardless of what the hip, cool, and careless may think, we will NOT throw something away with as much history, strength, and sentimental value as that structure holds. My biggest hope now is that the restrictions are lifted and our region is well enough that Uncle Hank will get to be here the day work begins.

Red Ferns, Green Beans, and Barnyard Dreams

Farm on property first owned by Isaac Cummings

Crisp, trifold papers encased in heavier red and green covers are spilling out of a folder, and onto the table. Did you know about the coins? 

“It was good luck, customary, to hide a coin in the house for good luck,” says Rick Brain, owner of the barn at the top of what is now called Smith Road, in Forestville. 

According to Rick, he was helping his grandfather put a new roof on his grandparent’s home. He spotted a flash of silver, and asked his “gramps” to hand it to him. His grandfather, Henry R. Egbert, assumed it was a washer and was agitated at Rick’s persistence, but eventually handed over the coin. 

“I said hey, this is a silver dollar!” Rick recalls. “And from that point on, we argued over who had found that coin. So grandma took it and said she was going to keep it for us. At that time, it was probably worth $40-$50.” 

The coin was dated 1856. Time stole the memory of Rick’s grandmother, Dale Egbert, and the coin was lost. The date, however, lives in Rick’s memory: 1856. 

Back to those sharply folded papers — typewritten deeds — and lots of them! Name after name is read as each ancient page is unfolded. Ultimately, Rick and his wife, Lisa Cislo, arrive at the first owner of the property: Isaac Cummings. Cummings purchased the land from the Holland Land Company in 1836.

Though the coin may be the only clue as to when the structures were added to the property, the details and stories grow richer as the discussion moves to present-day. 

Fernside

The barn currently stands in a traditional shade of red. A word is printed on the North side of the structure: Fernside. Rick says the writing predates his grandfather’s purchase of the property in 1954. They have no knowledge of the meaning. As you walk through the inside of the barn, it becomes clear that red wasn’t its original color. 

At one time at least, the barn was green, and it wasn’t a dairy barn. 

Built in three stages, the barn has stalls for horses and pigs, and a chicken coop in the upstairs. There was a small silo that may have been made entirely of wood. Rick can still show how acetylene traveled underground between the house and barn and was used to illuminate them both. The remnants of a creamery were found in the basement of the home. It appears this barn was not built for any commercial intent - but simply to meet the needs of the family living there. 

“Gramps” was the first dairy farmer to ship commercially from this location. He spent countless hours on nights and weekends, revamping the barn to accommodate milking 30 Holstein cows and all the equipment he would need. At first, the equipment included milking machines that strapped on to the cow, and a cooler big enough to hold milk cans. Later, he upgraded to a bulk tank. Henry also became a milk hauler and then attained a license to be able to read milk weights. In later years, Henry worked for the town of Villenova; operating both the snow plow and dump truck.

Having lived through the depression, Henry was a thrifty farmer. He kept every rusty nail and bolt he ever had used, just in case he might need it. If something broke, he would spend endless hours searching for something he already owned that might serve to get him through. Running to town to purchase parts was not ever an option Henry chose if he could somehow avoid it.

An animal lover, Henry didn’t keep to a consistent practice of culling his herd. He stuck to his pragmatic ways by only feeding the cattle whatever was least expensive. For many years, the answer was bean snips. 

“There was a canning factory down in South Dayton,” Rick shares. “The last thing they processed were beans. They had the bean snips: the waste.” 

Since Henry had two dump trucks, one could stay at the canning factory, and a loaded one would be brought home. “We had made a bunker [to store the beans] on a cement pad, and that was how we fed them. And the cows made SO much milk off of that! And it was free! Gramps loved that!”

Nothing replaced the quality and affordability of bean snips when the canning factory was shut down. The cows grazed on hay in fields around the farm. The effects of that are still apparent today, as the ground is still rough from cow hooves plodding through the fields when they were soft from rains or a spring thaw. 

While it was running on a shoestring, the farm didn’t stay current. Generations of family that might have been interested in continuing the farm found Henry rigid in his methods. Anyone thinking they might want to continue the legacy was faced with a sizable investment to update equipment and advance to a more modern operation. 

“I definitely wanted to take over the farm,” Rick shares. When asked if he favored the cows or machinery, he replies  “Both. Because I loved it all.”

In 1986, Henry encouraged Rick to go to college “and then we’ll see.” Only Gramps never became ready to hand over the reins to anyone. As he speaks, the gravity of all he would have had to do to make his Gramp's farm a profitable business seems to settle in. 

Photos Courtesy SLP Photography

Nevertheless, the spark of Rick’s hopes and dreams is still alive. He had wanted to add more cows and had a goal of being a Dairy of Distinction. He still thinks about owning his own dairy operation, which would include a processing facility. The reality is ever-present though.

Rick knows now he could never get into dairy.

“It costs too much to milk cows and there’s no money in it,” Rick explains. “It kind of scares me, thinking about this area and how many farms there used to be. Now there is one, and he is leaving. So, I mean… there’s going to be nobody up here.” 

He and Lisa imagine other ideas for their  barn that lend themselves to agri-tourism: a pumpkin farm, corn maze, raising beef cows, maple syrup… for creative people, the options seem endless. For now, Rick is a sought after, self-employed contractor. From woodwork to electrical to plumbing, many of the skills he employs on the job as Cranium Remodeling saw their beginnings on the farm. 

“My Gramps and Annie, my aunt, they both asked me ‘how in the hell did you learn to do everything you do?” Rick shares, “it’s from watching, and I learned that from Gramps because he would always say ‘pay attention,’ you know? ‘You can learn a lot if you watch,’ and that’s what I did. I just picked things up.”

The differences between how Henry made repairs and how Rick now approaches his work become more apparent throughout the conversation. Henry, as was the common practice of his generation, Made Do. “Doing it right” has been Rick’s intent from his earliest inclinations. It’s clear that Henry’s creativity in keeping things up-and-running influenced Rick’s ability to approach his work with an open mind; create his own plans for his clients; as well as understand their ideas and be able to incorporate them into his processes. 

“Gramps was getting by.” Lisa observes. “You’re doing it to make a living.”

Rick shares that traveling gives him some peace of mind. “We go camping in North Java, and I like going the scenic route because there are so many farms up there still. It restores my faith in farming, but I know it’s still disappearing because the younger generations just don’t want to do it and it’s so darned expensive you can’t make it if you try — unless you have a couple of thousand cows to milk, you can’t make any money and then it costs so much to keep a couple of thousand cows… you’re so far in debt it’s not even funny.”

“I’d really like to see the mom and pop farms come back,” Rick concludes. 

About Your Barn...

Anyone who agrees to share their barn story with me will find a similar line of questions. This is a jumping-off point. The questions are designed to unearth the unique path each story takes. I can't wait for this blog to be a collection of local agricultural history!

Eleven Questions:

1) Where is your barn located?

2) When was your barn built?

3) Who built  your barn?

4) What was the original purpose of your barn?

5) Have there been any renovations to the structure?

6) Why is this barn special or meaningful to you?

7) What other purposes has your barn served?

8) What is the current purpose of your barn?

9) What is your favorite memory in this barn?

10) What would you like to see happen with your barn in the future?

11) If you created a time capsule, using elements from your barn, what would be in it?

If this looks easy enough to complete, here's a link to a Google Form with these questions. You can complete it online and get a jump on the process!

Barnyard Perspective

Have you ever seen this barn?

Photo courtesy SLP Photography

You have! It's our barn! If you've driven by, then you know this side. But all I've shown on the internet is this side:

Does it look like the same place to you? Our barn has two different looks: one side covered in tin, the other likely the original barn board siding.

My cousin (and treasured friend), Stacey, is a photographer. She has blessed this project with her energy and talents. Together, we intend to chronicle the historic agricultural structures around us. What started as a passion project in hopes of energizing the effort to restore this barn is turning into a really joyous adventure with someone I look forward to spending more time with.

Though Stacey's first talent isn't videography, she's helped me and my daughter do some video work for the barn. We're hoping to share some digital tours of the place. I am so impressed and excited to share the recording! I'm learning it may take a YouTube channel to get it done. Stay tuned.

Let's go back to the barn.
When I saw the new image, I was struck by the difference in perspective. I walk nearly every weekend on the road. I see the West side of the barn fairly regularly. Did I ever think to take a picture of it from this angle? Nope. I took a picture the way I see the barn from the side I see it the majority of the time.

How incredible is the new image? Look at the lighting, look at how different it looks! Another eye appreciated it from a completely different angle. Now we have another facet to the story. When we tell the stories of other barns, we will have another set of eyes helping to tell these stories. Our capacity to do this project justice has gained serious depth.

Where this project is concerned, more is more! More energy, more perspectives, and more positive are appreciated.

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This year we intend to make the first repairs to our century-old barn. If you would like to help with this, our fledgeling gofundme page is here for you to share or contribute to if you are so inclined.

Water Flows

Hope springs eternal.

Springs. Why do you suppose the word "springs" was chosen there?
Spring like the season?
Or spring, like water.

Hope flows like water. It seems effortless sometimes. When hope dries up, it's like a well going dry. In a way, water is hope, and hope is water.

Our valley is FULL of water! So much so, that there is a well (many locals are wholly familiar) that runs, just up the road from our house. People come regularly to get water. Some people call it "Jesus's Fountain," perhaps because no one really knows how long it's been there.
Turns out that well was an important piece to how the farm here was once managed.

Imagine, farming before electric and running water.
How?

Milking by hand is a given, naturally.
But once milk is collected, it has to be kept cold to prevent bacteria from forming. That may have been the only thing that was easier in winter - but how did dairy farmers do it in the summer?
With water.
At our old barn, there was a trough of water that cans of milk were sunk into to keep the milk cold. Sometimes, according to Uncle Hank, the water would "fail." So they took their cans of milk to the well down the road. At that time, there was a big trough here. Milk would be kept cold in cans in the trough here overnight.

If you've ever lugged a milk can around, you know they are not light. It doesn't get any better, once they are filled with milk! Horses surely pulled the cans by wagon to the trough, but you still had to get them on and off the wagon, and lowered into the trough, and then back out again.

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Thanks so much for your time reading this post! Work to begin restoring our old barn will begin this spring. To join or share the cause, please visit gf.me/u/w9mhpd

Great-Uncle Hank

World, I'd like you to meet my great-uncle.
You may already know him. He's a pretty incredible guy!

We're rather meeting him together. I'm getting to know him like I never did, and he is a wealth of inspiration!

Uncle Hank is my late grandmother's brother. My grandma that was the center of my world, and a sizable chunk of my heart to this day. As a child, I remember him visiting at grandma and grandpa's with his family, maybe once a year or so. He was REALLY tall, and largely a stranger to me. I feel like I spent the majority of their time there, being somewhere else.

Great-Uncle Hank carrying my dad.

Our home is the site of his childhood. The family moved here when he was two. Since we moved in, Uncle Hank has made a near-annual visit, usually in October. Even in its sorry current condition, he enjoys seeing the barn. In the early part of this decade, it seemed his way of closing his time in New York, before traveling back to Texas for the winter with his wife.

When he walks through it, he points out the scenes from his most vivid memories. The giant, old maple tree beside the barn is where his grandpa used to park his Model T when he came to help put in hay. There's a certain spot at the edge of the hay mow that he distinctly recalls as the precise point upon which he fell out of the mow and broke his arm.

It was this fall I'd learned that Uncle Hank no longer winters in Texas. He's made his home in New York, and still enjoys coming to see the barn. This year, at 90-years-old, the condition of this place that he once worked and played seemed more important than it had in the past. Uncle Hank noted some places my husband has attempted to patch, and it gave him tremendous hope that we would yet save the barn.

It seemed only right to be honest. As much as we would love to save the barn, it's a matter of finances. As a young(ish) family, living in an obscenely overtaxed area, in a state with an equally obscene cost of living, I didn't know that we would ever have the funds to save the barn before it fell in.

Those were horrible words to hear coming out of my own mouth to this sweet man. Thankfully, they didn't dull his hope, or the twinkle in his eyes (so much like I remember my grandmas!). There's something about Uncle Hank and his wish that energized this buried dream up and out of the depths of my heart.

Something that felt like it might happen eons from now, suddenly gained top priority, and a significantly more urgent deadline.

With a new year just around the corner, I'm opening myself to faith, and creating one (of a few yet to be pursued, this is just the fastest) avenue to make a milestone in the big dream possible: making the first repairs to our old barn. If you would like to help with this, our fledgeling gofundme page is here for you to share or contribute to if you are so inclined.

No matter what, thanks so much for reading along so far.

And the Haymow Can Be a Yoga Studio

I Quit.

Almost.

Wanted to...
Thought I should.

Got overwhelmed.
Felt misdirected.
Got caught up in being ignored, used, and disrespected.

But here's the thing.
It's all in my head.
Those things are happening, they are real.
I'm focusing on something else, instead.

Overwhelmed means ABUNDANCE.
Misdirected? Perhaps the goal is near.
Mistreated? All in how you view it:
Could be their ego, could be their FEAR.

I'm brave enough for everyone.
Stronger than they know.
Smart enough to see the truth:
You manifest your destiny - you choose the way you go.

So friends, I am still working
Still in this restoration game.
My barn may be 100 this year.
We can give it a fresh face - maybe even a name.

This path comes from my very core.
It breathes my every breath.
What's old will again be new.

My sole intent
Aim true

Certainly

I WILL.

Birth Days

Birth days are a big deal. October is a HUGE birthday month in this family! Both grandmothers (and on the same day, no less!), a couple of aunts, and my son to mention a few. This is all quickly followed by Miss Autumn. Who, as we said in the last post, will turn 18 this year.

And if you read the last post, you know there's something big in store for her! Something that looks a bit like this...

And if you've read any of the other recent posts, you know this DEFINITELY feels like the cart before the horse! It's time to have a place on our place where this girl can keep her animals. Yes, there is a farm next door where she learns from her grandpa and grows by the day. It's great, and it is also a crutch. We need to see what she is made of - if she has the dedication to take this on and care for her animals day in, day out. Of course she will have help, but she deserves to test her wings and see what she is capable of.

And if it works for her, might it have the potential to help others like her in a variety of ways?
We think so.

And the barn needs to be the barn of old again. I've told you there is a senior gentleman that also finds this an important mission. What is the thing that grounds you? Where is your base? What brings you peace and comfort? For him, I think our barn does many of those things. He wants to see it restored, and because of him, there is a sense of urgency around this project that there never was before.

SO - as we continue to look for grants and I continue to draft my book (that part probably doesn't make sense - hang tight - it will in time) - we may start a gofundme account. We're hoping to talk to some friends with financial knowledge and experience with these types of campaigns before diving in.

Another Brown Swiss Calf,
because there's no such thing as too much cute!

The husband and I are unsettled about this step. It feels like begging. It feels like it has the potential to take advantage of friends and loved ones. At the very least, it feels like we might guilt trip people whose money would be better spent taking care of themselves and their loved ones than furthering our cause.

We don't want that.

The upshot is, it could unite people with similar passions to our cause. Historic restorations are environmentally conscious things to do! People might want to contribute just because they will have a hand in restoring a piece of the past. People might want to contribute because truly, they just don't make anything like they used to. This is worth saving as a testament of things that were built to stand the test of time.

People might want to contribute because our special needs friends deserve a shot at living to their true potential. They deserve freedom and independence: as much as can safely be afforded them. In school jargon, we talk about LRE: Least Restrictive Environment. So perhaps people will want to contribute because our girl deserves that chance.

People might want to contribute because they understand or can empathize with the crush of responsibility the parent of a special needs child feels to somehow ensure that their child will be safe, well-cared for, and financially secure all of their days. LONG after their parents have departed the earth. That's a scary one for people whose entire savings goes directly to school and property taxes Every. Single. Year. That's the one that wakes you up in the dead of night. That's what makes you contemplate things that force you to set your ego aside and do things that you wouldn't have in any other possible storyline that could have been your life.

People might want to join this cause because there is magic in bringing the past to life for our community of advanced citizens. It's a tangible statement to their worth: a living legacy to their lives and contributions to our world as it stands today. THIS matters, and so do they! The idea of a nonagenarian getting to see a piece of his childhood returning to its former glory? That might make you set aside your pride and do some crazy things too!

So that's where we are. We've gained a contact that can help with a business plan. Gained the support of a skilled builder who can guide the project. Now we need to talk about gofundme.

What would you do?